Happy Birthday

   What is a birthday with no presents, with no candles to blow out, with no "Happy Birthday" song to acknowledge you were ever born? Four years and not a birthday celebration to be had. I never thought I'd see the day; I was sure he'd be home by now--home unwrapping birthday gifts from his forever family for the very first time, home blowing out four colorful candles on a cake even more colorful, home listening to the birthday song sung in his honor. Instead, the day passes for my son like any other day. He doesn't know it's a special day. But I do.

   And so I will celebrate my son's birth without him. I will thank God for His hand of protection over my son as he lay abandoned not long after being born. I will be grateful for the man who took him to the orphanage, where my son has lived ever since. I will pray blessings over those who provide for his care, peace for his parents--if they are even still alive. And I will rejoice that God chose our family to be his family.

   While the day is full of sadness, it is also mixed with joy. For with God, every bitter thing is sweet. There will come a day when there is no more sorrow, no more tears, no more orphans; today is not that day. Today I celebrate my son's birthday...without him.

   Happy Birthday, baby boy. Next year, we'll rock it.

 



Soon

   When I last left my son in Haiti, I told him I'd be back "soon" but what does that look like to a nearly 4-year-old? To a little boy who's probably never heard those words before, I'm sure the meaning was lost to him. All he knows is that the ones whom he has been told are his mama and papa walked away from him. Left him crying. Said they'd be back "soon"--whatever that means.

   What do you do when the financial well has run dry and you can't afford to visit your own child? How do you function when the wheels of injustice continue to run over you? What do you do when "soon" feels like forever?

   Time and time again my heart has been shattered. Time and time again I've picked up the pieces and given them to the Lord, the only One who can bring beauty from brokenness.

   And so with David I continue to cry out, "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:1-2).

   "It will be all worth it in the end," they say. Yes, I'm sure it will be. But I don't live "in the end." I live in the here and now where my heart is 1,500 miles north of my son, where my children write "my brother home" for their Christmas list...four years in a row, where tears don't yet taste sweet.

And so Baby Boy, mama will be back soon; I just don't know if it will be my soon or God's soon. Hopefully the two collide in the very near future. For now, Sweet One, "soon" is the best this mama can do.

 

 

 

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